Bullying & Anti-Bullying Help
"Whenever you witness non-inclusive, discounting, or discriminatory words and actions, you have a choice. You can choose to remain silent, which allows these behaviors to thrive. Or you can speak up on behalf of respect."
-- Leslie C. Aguilar --
Here are some things you can do if you feel you are being bullied.
If you are in Junior or Senior high school:
Stay close to students you can count on to stick up for you.
Stay away from areas where bullying tends to happen.
Talk to someone you trust, like your parents, a friend, a teacher, a counsellor, or coach. They can offer support and help develop a plan to end the harassment.
Think about how your behaviour may be making the problem bigger or smaller.
Ignore the bullying and walk away. Make them think you just don’t care.
Act confident. Hold your head up, make eye contact, and walk confidently.
Make the time to do things that help you feel good.
Laugh it off. Humour shows you’re not bothered by it.
You’re not alone. Lots of teens struggle with bullying and harassment.
Do what’s right. Carrying a weapon might get you in trouble.
Keep your cool and walk away, even though you might be upset.
Share your feelings with people you trust. You don’t have to struggle alone.
It’s not your fault. No one deserves to be bullied.
Be assertive, not aggressive. Fighting back can make things worse.
It’s okay to ask for help. You don’t have to solve this problem on your own.
If you are in elementary school:
If it’s hard to stand up for yourself, ignore the bullying and walk away, then tell someone who can help.
Talk to someone who can help: an older student, your friends, classroom teacher, guidance counselor, school principal, sports coach, parents, or any adult you trust. It really does work when you talk to someone and get help. You may have to tell more than one person. Don’t give up!
If you’re scared to talk to an adult on your own, ask a friend to go with you.
Go to areas where you feel safe.
Stay close to students you can count on to stick up for you.
Look confident and tell the child who bullies to back off…bullying is NOT cool!
Stay calm. Try not to show that you are upset when being bullied.
Get funny. Humour shows you’re not bothered.
Be assertive, not aggressive. Fighting back often makes the bullying worse.
No one deserves to be bullied.
YOU help to make your school a better place by seeking help to stop bullying.
If you are in primary school:
If it’s hard to stand up for yourself, ignore the bullying and walk away, then tell an adult who can help.
Talk to an adult who can help, like a teacher or a parent.
If you’re scared to talk to an adult, ask a friend to go with you.
Practise with your parents or teachers what to say and do the next time you are bullied.
Go to areas where you feel safe.
Stay close to students who will stick up for you.
Look brave and tell the child who bullies to back off…bullying is NOT cool!
Stay calm. Try not to show that you are feeling sad or mad.
Be safe. Fighting back can make things worse.
Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.
Learn more at
http://bullyingcanada.ca/
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Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones
“Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words could never hurt me.”
And this I know was surely true
And truth could not desert me.
But now I know it is not so.
I’ve changed the latter part;
For sticks and stones may break my bones
Bur words can break the heart.
Sticks and stones may break the bones
But leave the spirit whole;
But simple words can break the heart
And silence crush the soul.
Herb Warren
“People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did;
But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
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Web resource for help with Cyberbullying/Sexting Concerns:
Posted April 30/13 - Safe & Caring Schools
http://www.needhelpnow.ca/app/en/
*****
Also check out the free downloadable resource guide for parents at this link:
http://www.needhelpnow.ca/app/en/resources#resources-parent_resources
Kids Help for Teens
There's this kid who gets bullied a lot by everyone. What should I do?
Hooray for the person who sent this question in to us! There are a lot more kids who witness bullying than there are victims of bullying. Often, people who see something happen are called bystanders. Wouldn't it be excellent if those bystanders would do something to help someone who's being bullied?
But how exactly do you find your courage and do it?
First, be sure to let an adult know what's going on. If it's happening at school, have a talk with a teacher or school counselor about it. If it happens at camp, the camp counselor is the one to talk to. Approach the adult and say you need to talk. Explain what's been going on the best you can. Give details. The adult can take steps to stop the bullying.
Plus, once they know about bullying, adults can do things to help the kid who's been bullied feel better and stronger. Adults can also help the kid who bullies learn to treat others with respect, friendship, and kindness.
After talking to an adult, here are some other things you can do. Be friendly to the kid who gets bullied. For example, say "hi" at the lockers or bus line, include that kid at your lunch table, or invite the kid to play at recess or to be in your group for a project. This helps for two reasons:
1. Any kid who gets bullied is likely to feel left out and alone. Your friendship helps that kid feel included and welcome.
2. Friendship also helps prevent bullying because bullies are less likely to pick on kids when they are with friends.
And when you see the bully acting mean, you can say, "Hey, knock it off, that's not cool," and invite the kid who's being picked on to walk away with you. You can just say, "C'mon, let's go." This can work even better if you get a couple of your friends to join you in standing up for the kid. Tell your friends ahead of time: "I'm going to stick up for that kid. Will you do it with me?"
Be sure to update the adult about what's going on until the problem is solved. This is also a very good thing to talk to parents about. Your parent will want to know about all this and can give you more advice and support. Plus, your mom or dad will be proud that you're the kind of kid who cares and who stands up for others and for what's right!
Bullying makes kids feel terrible — and not just the kid who's being bullied. Just seeing someone else be bullied makes others feel bad. That's because meanness affects everyone in the environment. It's like meanness pollution, so let's all fight it!
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: April 2011
Dealing With Bullies
How Cliques Make Kids Feel Left Out
School Counselors
What Kids Say About: Bullying
Your Online Identity
A World Without Bullying: Brigitte's Story
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Sourece: http://kidshealth.org/kid/
Dealing with Bullying
Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students of all races and classes. Bullying has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don't always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.
Bullying Is a Big Problem
Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.
Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don't fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.
Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).
Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website — practices that are known as cyberbullying.
One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.
Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.
Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.
Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It's estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.
Who Bullies?
Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.
Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.
Although most bullies think they're hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they've been hurt by bullies in the past — maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.
Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don't allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.
What Can You Do?
For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.
One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.
Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.
Adults in positions of authority — parents, teachers, or coaches — can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found outabout it.
If you're in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.
Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They're also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:
Ignore the bully and walk away. It's definitely not a coward's response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you're telling the bully that you just don't care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.
Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
Don't get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that's not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
Take charge of your life. You can't control other people's actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best — and your strongest — so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It's a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend — anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you're being bullied.
Find your (true) friends. If you've been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what's true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, "I know the rumor's not true. I didn't pay attention to it," can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is — petty, rude, and immature.
What If You're the Bully?
All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they're feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape — it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it's no excuse for being the bully.
If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person's side.
Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable — even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don't respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character — even look up to you as a leader — find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.
Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It's never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.
Steps to Stop Bullying in Schools
If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.
You can try to talk to the bully. If you don't feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully's locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.
Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully — especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they're not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they're vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don't like the bully's behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target. When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully's reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too. Another way to combat bullying is to join your school's anti-violence program or, if your school doesn't have one, to start one of your own.
Reviewed by: Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: June 2007
Originally reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Reference: Retrieved on March 12, 2009 from http://kidshealth.org/teen/school_jobs/bullying/bullies.html
Bullying & Anti-Bullying Resources
http://www.qualityansweringservice.com/resources/call-stop-bullying
(We thank the library class and Ms. Kearney at Jefferson Library in California for suggesting this site - September 2012.)
"Cyberbullying: The New Online Crime"
http://www.grabellaw.com/cyberbullying-the-new-online-crime.html
(We thank the Seattle Girl Scouts and Ms. Davis for suggesting this site - September 2013.)
http://www.safechild.org/bullies.htm
http://www.bullybeware.com/
http://outrageNL.ca
www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov
http://www.bullying.org
Parent Guide for Dealing with Bullying in Elementary Schools:
http://www.bced.gov.bc.ca/sco/elem_callsafe.pdf
http://www.bced.gov.bc.ca/specialed/bullying.pdf
Parent Guide for Dealing with Harassment and Intimidation in Secondary Schools:
http://www.bced.gov.bc.ca/sco/sec_callsafe.pdf
http://www.bced.gov.bc.ca/specialed/docs/fob_sec.pdf
Peaceful Schools International:
http://peacefulschoolsinternational.org/
Positive Behavioral Supports:
http://www.pbis.org/schoolwide.htm
Dealing with Aggression - Roots of Empathy:
http://www.rootsofempathy.org/
Conflict Resolution Skills:
http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5218.html
Violence Prevention Initiative – Newfoundland & Labrador
http://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/
http://www.outragenl.ca/
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“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”
- Harvey Fierstein -
Controlling Anger - Before It Controls You
Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You
TOPICS:
[ http://www.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=Controlling+Anger+Before+it+Controls+You&expire=&urlid=17903439&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apa.org%2Ftopics%2Fcontrolanger.html&partnerid=88911#anger ]What Is Anger?
[ http://www.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=Controlling+Anger+Before+it+Controls+You&expire=&urlid=17903439&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apa.org%2Ftopics%2Fcontrolanger.html&partnerid=88911#manage ]Anger Management
[ http://www.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=Controlling+Anger+Before+it+Controls+You&expire=&urlid=17903439&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apa.org%2Ftopics%2Fcontrolanger.html&partnerid=88911#strategies ]Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay?
[ http://www.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=Controlling+Anger+Before+it+Controls+You&expire=&urlid=17903439&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.apa.org%2Ftopics%2Fcontrolanger.html&partnerid=88911#counsel ]Do You Need Counseling?
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems—problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger. [Marker]
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something--is going to get hurt." [Marker]
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?"
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. [Marker]
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."
Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. [Marker]
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
Source: Retrieved on February 3, 2009 from http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html
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Help is only a phone call away, contact
Mental Health Crisis Line: 1-888-737-4668
or
Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868
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Sexual Health
Some of the websites listed below include information on Gender Identity & Gender Bullying in Schools - note the words in the verse below and remember to report all forms of harassment to a trusted teacher or to the Guidance Counsellor.
Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones
“Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words could never hurt me.”
And this I know was surely true
And truth could not desert me.
But now I know it is not so.
I’ve changed the latter part;
For sticks and stones may break my bones
Bur words can break the heart.
Sticks and stones may break the bones
But leave the spirit whole;
But simple words can break the heart
And silence crush the soul.
Herb Warren
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“People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did;
But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Maya Angelou
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Canadian Federation for Sexual Health
http://www.cfsh.ca/
My Gay Straight Alliance
www.MyGSA.ca
EGALE
http://egale.ca/
Report Homophobic Violence, Period.
www.rhvp.ca
Sexuality and U
http://www.sexualityandu.ca/
The Sex Information and Education Council of Canada
http://www.sieccan.org/
Health Canada
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hl-vs/sex/index-eng.php
http://www.sexualityandu.ca/
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Kindness is more important than wisdom and the recognition of this… is the beginning of wisdom.” - Theodore Isaac Rubin -